A round of applause for the loud, unexpected, graceful falls that make crowded, noisy rooms go silent.
I recently went to my families trailer park and tripped when exiting from the busy pool area. Silence everywhere and confusion in people’s faces trying to understand why I wasn’t moving. My loved ones gathered around to help as they knew I wouldn’t be able to get up independently and got me up as everyone continues to watch in confusion and worry. You shake it off because you’ve already brought enough attention to yourself the last thing you need is to show that your hurt.
Let me take you through how it actually feels when falling.
As a physically disabled person who is still mobile without use of assistive devices it’s already a constant thought of one foot in front of the other and analyzing the ground for any uneven surfaces. But legs give out, cracks in the ground are missed and uneven grounds blend so well. I myself when falling can never come to scream the words “help” or “falling” to easier assist whoever is around me to help. The first word that comes to mind is “mike” and I can’t remember what I used to say before he was ever around but, since he has been its the first word that comes to mind and no matter how hard I’ve tried to say something else when in the actual moment my brain is spiraling out of control and that seems to be the last thing I think about. Unfortunately by the time he turns to look at me thinking it’s casual conversation I’m sliding either face first into the ground or planting my butt to the surface. Phone goes flying, glasses land a mile away and you could honestly hear a pin drop. Shaking with emotion and trying to contain the pain from whichever area has been effected, I get up laugh it off and pretend that absolutely everything is fine. Still shaking from the shock and embarrassment I start to feel the achy elbow or the scraped knee and as soon as i’m alone I start to shed a tear. But, does my bleeding elbow really hurt as much as my pride and my heart? I’d like to think so however, I’d only be lying to myself. Eventually the light tears turn into hysterical crying. Disappointment that I even let my body fall. Why wasn’t I strong enough to bounce back? Why didn’t I see that darn crack? Why do I have to have Muscular Dystrophy? But truthfully the answers are always quite visible. I am strong enough to bounce back, MENTALLY & EMOTIONALLY. I’m not perfect that’s why I didn’t see that uneven surface and I was diagnosed because God knew that I could handle every single fall, every single down and he knew I had the right support of family and friends to help me through it.
Falling much like many of my other obstacles has two very distinct components. Physically being unable and Emotionally wishing I could and wondering what it would be like if I did.
Physically falling but also emotionally “failing” and much like when I physically fall and require my family to help me back up, I use that same method to help me cope emotionally and psychologically. My injury will heal with given time and my pride will be built back up with the love and support of those who care so much about me.
So each and every loud embarrassing fall, I will continue to do with grace. The grace of rising from every down life throws my way because I AM STRONG ENOUGH.